This is My Body

At counseling today, my counselor and I spoke at length about loving my body, no matter its size or weight, particularly because God loves me just as much now as He would if I were a size 2. I have long struggled with this – although I, of course, understand that God’s love is not dependent on my weight, believing that to the core is another matter.

I went to adoration after my session, as I often do, to sort out everything with the Lord, and as I gazed up at the Lord, thinking about everything that had been discussed, and about how to love my body now – not “someday” when I have reached a size and weight to my liking – it was as if He said to me:

“This is My Body”

Only He was referring to me – to my body.

I immediately understood the implication: “Aly, you are part of My Body, and your body is My Body. Therefore, love your body, and in so doing, love Me, and treat your body as you would if it were Mine, for so it is!”

The meaning here was double – not only is my body Christ’s Body, since I am a member of the Body of Christ, the Church, but my body also belongs to Christ – it is His body.

Christ loves His Body, the Church, despite its flaws. Even though it contains sinners – perhaps even especially because of the sinners – He loves it. Similarly, when we love our bodies because of their flaws (excess weight/fat, in particular, but also other physical flaws), then we can treat it as Christ treats the Church – as an object of love. If a person is in sin, Christ does not reject her and send her towards more of the same sin. No! He loves her and brings her to that which will heal her. In the case of excess body fat/weight, we must follow Christ’s example, and love our bodies all the more because of this, and inspired by that love, give our bodies that which will heal them.

A sinner needs more grace than a righteous person – more love, more of the sacraments, more prayer, etc. – in order to overcome her sin. Likewise, a person who is unhealthy in body needs more of the best foods and nutrients in order to achieve health. Why, then, do we treat our bodies without love because of these flaws? A body that is unhealthy due to poor and/or excessive eating needs healthy, nutritious foods in order to heal – not more of the same unhealthy/excessive foods and habits that keep it unhealthy. It is an act of love to give our bodies what they need to be healthy, but often because unhealthy habits have caused our bodies to be in a form or size that we hate, we continue to treat our bodies without the love they deserve.

“You are Christ’s Body” of which He says, “this is My Body.” Therefore, treat your body as you would treat the Body of Christ  - with love, reverence, respect, and honor.

Forsaking your body because its flaws, whatever they may be, is like forsaking Christ Himself and is, at the very least, a disrespect of a gift from God – that gift being His Holy Temple, your body!

If you came upon a beautiful cathedral that was cracking and falling apart with age, would you dismiss it as ugly and imperfect, decide that you no longer love its beauty, or perhaps take a sledge hammer to it to increase its flaws? Certainly not! More likely, assuming you had the means to do so, you would seek to repair and rebuild it – restoring the fullness of its beauty.

It is important to note that its beauty was not completely lost, only obscured to the naked eye by its flaws. Similarly, your bodily flaws do not diminish your beauty, but rather, invite restoration! This restoration can be found in a healthy lifestyle, but is ultimately offered to us by Christ, who restores both body and soul.

So love your body, love your soul, and act accordingly.

One Year

I read an article today called "Would You Trade One Year for the Perfect Body?" Emphasis here on the word "perfect," although that's not how I initially took it.

The article was about a poll taken of women, most of whom were of normal or below normal weight, but nevertheless nearly all said there are things about their bodies they do not like and/or would change, if they could. The point of the question was to see if women, even those who are already a healthy weight, or even underweight, would rather die a year sooner than they would otherwise in exchange for the "perfect" body. 16% of the 320 British woman polled said yes.

However, when I initially saw the title of the article, I misinterpreted the question to mean "would you be willing to work hard, make changes and sacrifices, for one year, in order to achieve a healthier body?"

Quite a different question, right?

Regardless of the actual content of the article, this really got me thinking. Isn't it worth devoting a year to making changes in my eating and exercise, in order to make lasting changes, and gain (hopefully) many years to come of a healthy, happy life? I certainly think so!

I then realized that it has been about one year now since I first embarked on my journey to start the Transfigured program, and I have stopped and started it several times since then.

I have only recently started making changes again after becoming frustrated with how difficult it is for me to just walk around campus (I'm back in grad school, and the campus has a lot of hills and stairs). Luckily, my roommate and best friend signed up to run a half marathon in September with her boyfriend and siblings, so I started going to the gym with her twice a week. It's not much, but it's a start, and really quite a good one considering I have not been to the gym since probably December, and my last real workout was maybe January or February (and that was an isolated occurrence). On top of that, I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friend's August 30th wedding, so of course that is motivating, if only on a superficial level (i.e. I want to look good in my dress, especially since she will have those photos forever)! So, between all of these things, and many others, I have found myself once again motivated to change my eating and exercise for good.

While it may seem that I have failed at what I tried to start in 2013 when I first wrote out the concept of Transfigured - even with the ups and downs, and months of laxity, I have learned some valuable lessons that I know will help me this time around. And I'm sure I will learn things as I get started these next few weeks that will help me later, whether I end up falling and getting back up again, or just continuing to move forward.

For example, already I have finally truly learned to follow one of the most basic concepts of Transfigured - start slowly! (I may write the guidelines for Transfigured, but I am really bad at following my own "rules").

I have a tendency to want it all, now, or preferably yesterday! Having been a competitive cheerleader in high school, I tend to want to go full speed, as if I had never lost the fitness I had in my competition days (haha, if only). But I know that the surest way to lifelong fitness is patience. Right now, I'm only doing about 30-35 minutes on the treadmill, two days a week, mostly walking. But already, I have noticed improvements. When I first started, I could only walk, but I was surprised that I was still able to maintain the walking speed I had used in the past, when I was exercising more regularly, and this week I even started adding in running intervals of 15-30 seconds. Sure, just a few years ago, I was running for one minute intervals every 4 minutes, but considering where I am with my weight and fitness, those 15-30 seconds 1-3 times in my workout are still an achievement!

With patience, humility, and the celebration of small achievements, I think I can commit to one year of healthy changes in exchange for a lifetime of healthy living. But I truly think this can only be done with small changes. If I try to do too much, too soon, I will end up as I have in the past - going astray, giving up, gaining weight, etc. until I have to start over, and finally find the motivation to start making changes again.

For those of you reading, I want to encourage you - if you have tried a million times to start eating healthier and/or exercising, only to give up, don't lose hope! Start again! But start slowly!

I'd like to commit to one year of healthy changes, but I think we can take that concept and slow it down a bit, and commit to one month, one week, one day, even, if that's what it takes! Every bit counts!

What changes can you commit to today?

Will you give up one day of unhealthy habits in order to start working towards a healthier life?

Fully Alive

St. Irenaeus is often quoted as having said “the glory of God is man fully alive.” 

I have been meaning to write this particular post for almost a month now, and this quote keeps coming to mind. 

A few weekends ago, my dad and I spent a Saturday with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins at the beach house where they were staying for the weekend. The water here is pretty cold, so it’s been a while since I’ve gone in further than calf-deep, but I still urged my dad to bring the boogie boards when we went, and I wore my bathing suit under my clothes. Several weeks earlier, I had gone to the beach with my sister and the day was so beautiful and sunny that it seemed as if the water was beckoning to me. Unfortunately, that time I had not brought my swimsuit, so I decided not to make that mistake again.

(I did not take this photo)

This trip to the beach came about a week or two after I started my swimming class at the local community college. I grew up swimming with my family every summer and took swim lessons as a child, but as an adult I stayed away from public swimming, for the most part, because I was too ashamed of my body to be seen in a swimsuit. This particular class I am now taking is one that I had wanted to take way back in spring 2005 or so, shortly after I first started attending college after high school. Although I added it to my schedule, I ended up dropping it even before showing my face at the pool, because I just couldn’t muster up the self-confidence to be seen in a bathing suit in front of classmates.

This fall, when I returned home to California and decided to take some classes to really focus on my health and fitness, I decided enough was enough.

I’m tired of waiting to enjoy my life. Sure, there are some things that I physically cannot do because of my weight and fitness level, but the longer I wait for “someday when I’m thin” in order to do things I enjoy (especially active things), the less likely it is that “someday” will arrive. 

This has been one of the best and most liberating decisions I have made recently. In taking the swim class, I re-discovered with great joy just how much I love to swim. 

A similar thing happened at the beach that sunny weekend in early October. I got in the water with my boogie board and had a blast riding the waves. More importantly, I felt more like myself than I have in a long time, and it was then that I realized that this is truly what Transfigured is all about, at the very core: becoming not just more “fully alive,” but more fully myself. 

At the heart of everything, our truest selves are the selves that God created us to be (and, ultimately, we are meant to be like Christ). 

I have been thinking a lot about this recently, which is part of the reason for my delay in posting. I have been pondering what many of you may yourselves be pondering now after reading this: what does enjoying swimming and the ocean have to do with God and growing in holiness? 

The most basic way to express our purpose in life is found in the Baltimore Catechism: “to know, love, and serve God.” As I have taught many times in my adult religious education and RCIA classes, we can know God in three ways: through Divine Revelation, through humanity (created in the image of God), and through creation/nature. In a very real way, when we come to know ourselves – our truest selves – we come to know God better, and when we come to know God better, we come to know ourselves better since we are created in His image and likeness. Similarly, the creation story in Genesis tells us that God created the earth for us. He created it to be everything we need to live – a home, food, shelter, and companionship. Most importantly, He created it to help lead us closer to Himself. 

I have often thought about how, when God created the universe, He knew exactly what and who He would create and what each person would enjoy. For example, I am absolutely delighted by fireflies. In fact, I think it was when I was out firefly gazing that this thought occurred to me – God knew when He created fireflies that they would bring me joy, and the same is true for each person He created (think about that the next time you’re enjoying a beautiful sunset, or mountain range, or whatever it is in God’s creation that brings you joy). In a sense, it is one way that He shows His love for us which, in turn, leads us to love Him more (another tenet of our purpose in life).

In my particular case, these little joys not only help me to better know and love God, but they ultimately help me better serve Him, if I choose to use them do so. 

I have the great privilege of doing something that brings me great joy (swimming) that also helps me to improve my health, which in turn makes me better able (physically) to serve God. The more my health improves, the more energy I have – energy that I can use at the service of the Lord in whatever ways He may lead me.

My hope for everyone reading this blog, and ultimately every future participant in the Transfigured program, is that each and every one of you will seek not only to lose weight or change your body for external reasons, but that you will discover your truest self – the self that God created you to be. I have no doubt that this is what brings the greatest joy in life above any number on the scale or size of clothing.

When I was researching for this post, I came across a few articles commenting on the quote I used at the beginning. One author argues that the original quote is, in fact, not “man fully alive,” but rather “living man.” In other words, it goes a little something more like this:

“The glory of God is living man…[and] the life of a man is the vision of God.” In other words, we are truly alive when we live our life in Christ, and the fullest expression of that life is eternal life with God in Heaven – the beatific vision. May we all find that which will lead us to this vision and bring us not only joy on earth, but eternal joy with God in Heaven.

The Little Way: Making Small Changes for Big Results

It has been a little over a month since I arrived back in California to re-discover myself and focus on improving my health and overall wellness. Last week, I took the plunge and started a 5-day-a-week workout program taking two physical education classes at my local community college – swimming on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and a strength and conditioning class on Tuesday and Thursday. As it turned out, I also ended up starting a new job that Wednesday, in addition to the three online classes in which I had enrolled. I was a bit nervous about increasing my workouts so drastically in a short time, especially since swimming can be an intense whole-body workout and I would only have Saturday and Sunday as rest days. Still, I was excited to start, and after the first day of swimming remembered how much I love to swim, which only increased my excitement and motivation (always a good thing when starting a new workout program).

However, this excitement also proved to be my downfall. I have a fairly competitive disposition, so I often struggle with taking things slowly and easing into a new workout program. I prefer to start out full force, which ultimately leads to burnout, discouragement, and failure. This time proved to be no exception.

That excitement I mentioned led me to stay after class to swim extra laps – more is better, right? – and by Friday, I was not only exhausted, but depressed. I decided to skip my classes on Monday and Tuesday, and from Saturday to Tuesday, switched to a higher carb diet to try to re-fuel my body. I won’t lie though, I really hit a severe low and wanted to give up everything – my workout, my new job, even work on Transfigured seemed pointless (because I would never succeed at getting a handle on my own wellness anyway, right?). Things were pretty bleak, but I did some research about over-training, and found out that over-doing exercise can not only cause fatigue, but can actually cause hormonal and chemical imbalances in the body leading to depression. I was not at all surprised by this revelation, and I hoped that a few days of rest and restorative eating would reverse the negative effects. It did, and by Wednesday I was feeling much better physically and more optimistic.

When I was still feeling really low, I took some time out for prayer. I couldn’t find it in me to get myself to church or adoration (my usual place of choice for prayer), so I simply sat in the backyard with my bible and journal and asked Jesus to meet me right where I was (and of course, He did).

When I finally started feeling better, my mind was clear enough for me to reflect on everything that had happened the past week and a half. The day before had been the Feast of St. Therese of Lisieux – one of my favorite saints, and the patron saint of the Transfigured program because of her “Little Way.” I realized that I had violated this very important aspect of the spirituality of Transfigured – applying the “Little Way” of St. Therese to wellness (including nutrition, exercise, and spirituality).

The basis of this “Little Way” is essentially to do “small things with great love,” since quite often, we are incapable of doing truly “great” things. St. Therese was talking more specifically about doing things for God and others, but in the case of Transfigured, this can be applied to making small changes to our nutrition, exercise, and spiritual life in order to grow in virtue and make changes that will last. Our tendency to stray from the “Little Way” is often due to one - or both - of two things: pride and impatience. The whole diet industry is often founded upon exploiting these two things – lose weight fast, look great, show off that bikini bod, etc. etc. But when we do things this way, we rarely make the inner changes necessary for long-term maintenance, regardless of how fabulous the results may be.

In my case, I was being both impatient and prideful. I wanted to push myself harder to impress my coaches/instructors, and to hopefully also get faster results. Interestingly, although I was working out like crazy, I did not lose one pound that week, because I pushed my body too hard and it went into preservation mode. This week, I am off to a better start. The much-needed rest gave my body the time it needed to recover, actually improving my performance this week, and I have learned a bit of humility as well. Initially, I was frustrated with my strength and conditioning instructor because I felt that he was underestimating my abilities and exercise experience (I was a competitive athlete in high school). However, after taking the time to rest, pray, and reflect on things more, I realized that this was my pride speaking, and he was actually doing what was best for my health (i.e. encouraging me to go at a slower pace and work up to more intense workouts).

After feeling so awful last week, I am truly grateful to have such great instructors who know how to tailor my workouts and tell me when I need to go a little slower, even if I don’t always want to listen.

The Little Way is an integral part of the Transfigured Program because it applies not only to the spiritual life, but to physical wellness (nutrition and exercise) as well. Whether you are trying to grow in your spiritual life or improve your health through nutrition or exercise (hopefully all three), I encourage you to employ the Little Way when you start making changes. This post ended up being a lot more about me than I had originally planned, so hopefully I can balance this out a bit. Here are some suggestions for some first steps on your journey to wellness:

Spiritual:

* Set aside 10 minutes for prayer today (or daily)

* Pray one decade of the rosary

* Read one chapter of the bible or a spiritual book today (or weekly, or daily)

* Go to Mass this week (or if you already go to Sunday Mass, go to one daily mass this week)

Physical:

* Do 10 minutes of activity today (or daily, or weekly)

* Workout at least once this week

* Spend more time standing or walking vs. sitting

* Take a 20 minute walk today (or daily, or weekly)

Nutritional:

* Drink one less soda each day than usual

* Switch from soda to 100% juice or water

* Make one healthy substitution this week (i.e. whole grain bread instead of white)

* Drink 8 glasses of water daily (8 oz each)

Obviously, these should be customized to your personal specifications. If you already workout once a week, then try for twice this week. On the other hand, if you haven’t been active in years and a big goal seems daunting, then walking just 10 minutes even one day this week is a great improvement!

I encourage everyone who may be reading this to incorporate some sort of spiritual “exercise” into your journey towards wellness. I cannot tell you what a difference it will make. I’ll post more on this later, but to preview I’ll say this: God created you, He created your body, and He knows what is going to be best for your body. So ask Him. Ask Him what He created you to do in this life and how changing your nutrition and exercise habits can help you achieve that. Ask Him what changes He wants you to make first. This can be immensely helpful, but especially so if you are feeling lost as to where to even start.

Now, I will confess that I do not always remember to do this, and I am sure that if I had stopped to ask God about things last week, He would have told me – "start slow, don’t push yourself, and don’t do anything extra,  you are already increasing your exercise by a lot, and if you do too much, the defense mechanisms I created in your body are going to react and make you feel awful." God knows all the chemical processes in our bodies better than we ever could, even if we all had a degree in chemistry. He created those processes, so ask Him and listen with an open and humble heart.

Most importantly, ask Him how improving your health will help you grow in holiness, and ask Him to help you stay focused on Him during the process. Because, ultimately, it doesn’t matter what your body looks like, or how healthy it is if it doesn’t end up in heaven. “What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his [eternal] life?” (Matthew 16:26).

What is Transfigured?

I think the first time I started a diet, I had not even hit puberty yet. Looking back at childhood pictures, I would consider myself to have been an average sized child until about the age of nine, when my mother was diagnosed with cancer (lymphoma) and my weight shot up, inviting the notice - and comments - of my family and classmates alike. As a result, my mother started taking me to a clinical weight loss trial at a prominent local university medical center. Soon after that, I started dieting on my own, asking my mother to start packing me only half a sandwich for lunch instead of a full sandwich. And so began my blind leap into the dieting world, which would lead me on a lifelong path of weight gains, losses, and sometimes self-destructive behavior.

Shortly after starting college, I entered the Catholic Church and started growing in my faith. But the one thing I couldn't surrender to God was my eating habits, which by that point had become a coping mechanism, whether I was overeating or starving myself and over-exercising. My weight continued to fluctuate, and I gradually began to understand more about myself, including the deeper reasons behind my love-hate relationship with food and my body. I even began to heal a little bit.

Then I entered the "real world," and suddenly I was living in a part of the country 2600 miles from my native California, where outdoor activities were nearly impossible for me most of the year due to the weather in which I was unaccustomed to working out, and much of my time was spent sitting at the desk in my office. On top of all of that, I was living alone for the first time in my life in a small town in which I knew no one, and the motivation to get into a solid workout routine always seemed to elude me, no matter how many "good starts" I managed to eke out.

By the following spring (April 2013), I had gained 20-30 lbs, was more inactive than I had been in years, and frustrated with the fact that my issues with food and weight seemed to be insurmountable, even with my strong faith in God, and the many other things I had been able to overcome with His grace. Living alone, I had gotten into an awful habit of ordering delivery and gorging myself on the weekends, and sometimes the evenings after work, especially when things were busy at work and I didn't have the time or energy to go shopping or actually cook good food. I decided enough was enough, and conceded that I might be an addict, so I looked up the local Overeater's Anonymous (OA) meeting, and resolved to go.

I went to one meeting and I didn't like it. Not to discourage anyone from trying it, since it has a great record of success in helping people, but it just wasn't for me. For one thing, I didn't like how the concept of God had been diluted to the abstract "Higher Power," since I wanted to be able to talk about God's work in my life without any apologies or qualifications. But more than that, I was uncomfortable with the practice of identifying myself as an addict every time I spoke in the group. "I'm Aly, and I'm a food addict/compulsive overeater" ("Hi Aly"). While I understand the concept of accepting and admitting to having a problem larger than myself, I feel that it is important for me (and perhaps others) to find identity outside of a problem or diagnosis.

I am me. I am Aly; I am a daughter of God. I have a problem with food and weight, but it doesn't define me. I am defined by my identity in God.

I left the meeting that day with a desire for something different. I had recently talked with a friend from church about a Catholic weight loss program she had heard about. Her friend happened to have the introduction DVD, and we watched it together. However, I didn't like some aspects of the program, and it was expensive. After the OA meeting, I felt even more drawn to something decidedly Catholic, and I was starting to think that God was leading me to develop it.

I started praying and thinking about it more, and talked with two of my friends at church about it, who both enthusiastically said they would join me in "piloting" the program, if I started working on it. The next day, I wrote out several pages of what I envisioned the program to be. Namely, a wellness program that was more about health and less about weight, and more about pleasing God than striving for unattainable worldly ideals and expectation. In a word, more about transfiguration.

I chose the name Transfigured because I think it captures the idea of what I am trying to accomplish with this program. At the transfiguration of Jesus, He reveals Himself to Peter, John, and James as His True Self - His Glorified Self - and simultaneously God the Father proclaims Jesus' true identity: "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased" (Matthew 17:5). At the same time, we are told that Jesus' physical appearance was actually changed (Matthew 17:2).

So, from this, we have the elements of what Transfigured should be for us; a guide towards:
* Physical change (both outward, physical appearance as well as internal physical changes in the body leading to improved/optimal health)
 * Emergence of our true selves as children of God (both as an inherent reality and through spiritual growth)

At the core of everything is finding - and fully living - our true identity as children of God. If we truly understand what this means and are able to fully integrate this into our self-image, then healthy living (body and soul) will come as a natural result of treating ourselves in a way that honors our identity.

I am currently working on developing this program in its fullness, and hope that it will not only become a published book, but also a program that can be implemented at Catholic parishes to provide small support groups and guidance for people seeking physical and spiritual health and wellness.

The purpose of this blog is to document my own journey as I develop Transfigured and simultaneously go through the program myself, while offering insights and guidance gained along the way. I will likely also use it to post small tidbits and previews from the program/book, as well as recipes and healthy living ideas. Please feel free to share this blog with anyone you think it may benefit.